Well, Well, Well

It turns out I'll be seeing my partner sooner than expected. Mostly in our capacity as friends. I will be very surprised if we manage to get any playing in, considering time and company constraints. Of course, considering this is my partner and I, I'll be very surprised if we don't manage to get any playing in, too.
And one way or the other, a good time shall be had by all.
But not like that, you pervs.

Still. It's been a bit hasn't it, Pet?
Have you been missing me? Oh, I know we need the time apart, but we're aproaching a week without touching. That's a stretch for us, isn't it, and especially wiith the apparent knowledge of so much longer left to go...
If I were there, Pet, I would dominate you. I feel the sort of cool calm that makes me want to take control of situations, of people. I would use those lovely leather wrist restraints, and I would tie you, wrists apart, on your back. I would kneel on your chest and make you beg for me to touch you, and because I am such a kind mistress, Pet, I would oblige.
I would stroke the insides of your arms, and I would kiss up your neck to bite your earlobes. I would kiss you hard on the mouth, bite your bottom lip, pull at you. I would consume you, Pet.
I would run my hands over you from collar bone to pelvic bone, I would kiss the insides of your hips, lick and bite the spots that make you catch your breath there. I would pinch your nipples, and lick slow circles around them.
I would lick and bite and kiss a line down the center of your chest, starting at your mouth and going on down past your navel.
I would run my naked breasts over your cock, gently, softly, and I would make you look at me as I did so.
I would make a little line of bites from the inside of your knee to the crease between your leg and your body, and then go up the other leg. I would run my fingers up the same path, very softly, very gently, and then I would scratch the same line, hard and fast.
And then, when you were straining, when your cock was twitching and you couldn't take it anymore, I would take you into my mouth, Pet. Slowly. Centimeter by centimeter, I would suck you in, I would lick you down, I would work you over and I would make you beg. Hot and wet and tight, I would run my tongue in zigzags and circles up the base and shaft of you, I would build a rhythm, I would swivel my head, and I would take you so deep into my throat you thought it wasn't possible.
You know what I can do, Pet.
And I would do it all.
I would lick and suck and push two well lubed fingers into you, slowly, one at a time untill they were both in, and I would crook them and twist the just so, untill you bucked and moaned and begged me to let you come, just begged me, called me Mistress and gasped so you could barely get out the words.
And Pet?
I would deny you.
I would ease up, I would pull back, I would tease you.
And then I would lunge again, bring you back to that brink and you would ask me again Please Mistress Please May I Come
And I would say NO. Not yet, Pet, not just yet, and I would tease you a little more, flick my tongue over the tip of your cock, get you to moan those high pitched little moans that I do so love to hear, and I would build it up. A little more, a little deeper, a little faster, a little more, a little deeper, a little faster until once again you begged me, begged me to please let you come.
And I would let you. Because I am a kind mistress.

Are you there, Pet? Are you at that point?
You will be.


Happy Holidays.

Catching Up

It's been a little while. That does not mean I haven't been playing.
Three brief recounts of scenes to tempt your fancy:

1.
I am in control, for the first time in a long time. I haven't topped since the last time I wrote about it. It is good. I hadn't realized how much I needed to be firmly in control of something again. I have an eyehook in what would be the bottom of the loft bed. It's just the right hight to tie up the wrists of a kneeling pet.
I love this eye hook.
I love the sight of my pet, so very helpless and so very exposed. I directed his attention, I refused to let him take his eyes off me as I teased him in every new, creative way I could think of.
Readers, you should have seen his face when I first rubbed his cock, oh-so-gently, along my breasts.
Breathtaking.

2.
We went to a hotel, for a night. We were going to, and then we weren't, and I was tired and a little put out at the plan not working out -- and then I get a message on the phone. Parking lot, 1:15, overnight bag.
Overwhelmed, a little bit. Further messages instruct me to bring a corsette, my collar, a belt. I am frightened.
And late. The clocks in my room all tell me different times. When I get to the parking lot, I am informed I've already earned myself 3 lashes.
This is all a little intense.
There was some silliness along the way, and by the time the scene actually started I was feeling more at ease, having been reminded that this was my friend and partner, not someone who will hurt me, really.
Still a little intimidated.
It was a nice little scene. We were both quite tired, so it was perhaps not the red-hot night of carnal sin we had envisioned, but it was alot of fun.
We have a spreader bar! I like it. For one thing, it appeals to my practical side -- there is not always something to which you can bind ankles, but spreader bars are nice and portable.
My partner is perhaps too good with rope for his own good.
And yes, I got my three lashes.
I have a feeling we're going to start upping the count. I can't say I mind, either. It is difficult to care much about avoiding such light punishments. We will both be better subs if we are crueler doms, I think.
Heh.
"Gotta be cruel to be kind."

3.
His parent's house. No toys, just two people trying to be as quite as possible. Kissing, touching. It felt more exploratory than any strange position or new piece of equipment we've tried out. It felt 14. Which was great.
Remember making out with people when you were 14? It was amazing! It was new, and hot, and you had no idea what you were doing but you knew it felt good and you could get caught at any second but you didn't care.
That's what I want. I want that illicit little thrill again. I want to maybe be caught, I want it to be the wrong time in the wrong place but the right feeling so you just don't care.
On a different note -- I've never yet had sex without a condom. I really, really want to. My better judgement infringed, but it won't forever.
I was sorely tempted to throw the rest of caution to the winds, that night. His parents house, naked in the guest bedroom, his father only rooms away -- why worry about a condom? why worry about anything?


So that's it. Three little vignettes, and my partner and I are off to live very, very seperate (hundreds and thousands of miles seperate) lives for a month. This thing will update with thoughts and fantasies, I suppose, and then we'll see.

Informal arrangements being as they are, it's possible you'll all be reading about a whole new branch of exploits.
I've no clue how this will work if I leave my comfortable old play partner behind.

But I'll keep you posted.

PushMePullYou

OR
Everyone's A Little Bit Kink

I've always been told I have a nice head of hair. It's thik and sort of wavy, shiny and for the past four or five years has been a dark reddish purple, most of the time. I keep it varying lengths of short, from long-enough-for-pigtails-but-not-a-ponytail to barrets-behind-my-ears to so short I can't do anything at all with it. It tends to be sort of swingy and layered and generally crazy. It does what it likes, and as I tend not to disagree, I leave it alone.

I've realized recently that my hair is very, very good for pulling. Almost without fail, anytime a boy gets into a remotely sexual situation with me, their hand twines into my hair and pulls me back, forward, to the side. It's possible it's just that it's short and I wear it down, so unlike with a ponytail it is always easily pullable, or it's possible that for longer than I was consciously into the Scene I sent out Test-Me vibes, but I think really, everybody's a little bit kink.

Because I boy I danced with in an only very vaguely sexual manner had his hand in my hair pulling me back into a dip within 20 seconds of dancing. Because a boy I snogged illicitly had my body arched back so far I could barely hold myself up. Because a boy who's so vanilla he puts Aryan Jesus to shame had a vice grip on my head when we kissed. Because my play partner has been pulling me into and out of kisses by the stuff since before he'd even bought his own restraints.

It's the same thing as ever. Almost nobody's averse to a little wrist-pinning. There's always that power play, always that give-and-take. BDSM takes it further, perhaps, but in alot of ways it's simply more honest. Most of the time sex isn't just a sweet bodily communion, a slow-building perfectly equal union of body and soul.
It's power and it's lust and it's hot and it's sweaty and it's deeply and invariably carnal, and even if you've never thought about wanting to be called Master, you know there are times when you've felt like you were one.

So pull my hair, I'll pin your wrists, we'll growl at eachother and bite eachother's necks.
And maybe you'll fold your arms behind your back sometime, and maybe I'll oh-so-casually leave my restraints by the bed, and sooner or later, whoever you are, you'll realize you're just like me.

Everybody is, more or less.

Morning (Well, Midafternoon)

I was woken a few mornings ago by a knock on my door. Well, not quite woken. I'd crawled out of bed, but hadn't by any means put any clothes on. I pulled on my kimono and called for whomever to come in. In walks my partner, clean and wet and sweet smelling, towel around his hips. Well how about that.
Sex when you've just woken up is different. Well, not actual sex. I got him off, he got me off, I got him off again. At two in the afternoon having just woken up, one would think I would be able to put the scene away and just play -- but no. Somehow "Master" still crept into my moans, somehow I still had to flip my brain and pounce him once he'd done with me. All of it was sort of sweet and muzzy, though.
I don't really have much to say, this post. I've got alot of thoughts gathering around, and they'll rattle out onto the paper, soon. This is just remembering yesterday morning, which today seems two weeks ago.

Someday I'll find it in me to get up and wake him up with sex, when I know we've got time. I wake him up alot of days, because it's an easy safety measure to get the damn boy out of bed, but that's what it is. I'm making sure he doesn't wind up later than he already is. So he wakes up with this big beautiful mornig hard-on, and all I can do is run a finger over it and leave the room before I make him later still.

Someday, though. Someday.
Just like someday I will take up the flogger and keep him from being anything but my slave.

Scared

I find it somewhat humorous that the button to write a post in blogger is labed "create".
Right. On to the real news.

I was tired, last night. It was the end of a long day at the end of a string of long days, and so when my partner was coming to play I put my collar on, so he would know that for tonight, he was to be the dom.
And he asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted to be controlled, to be owned and taken care of.
He controlled. For the first time since we've been playing, he gave me a safeword.

A note on safewords: for many people, I am sure that they are very useful things. Last night we were going by the stoplight system, wherein 'yellow' means slow down and 'red' means stop. I don't know if 'green' means keep going, or faster, or nothing at all. As far as I'm concerned, though, 'slow down, please, master' should mean slow down, and 'stop!' can mean stop. The point of this all is open and honest communication, and I sort of feel like implementing a code takes away from that. But that is probably just me.
And, I should mention, that in a different sort of scene -- a rape fantasy, for instance, it would be worthwhile to have one. In any scene were 'stop, stop!' makes sense but 'kumquat!' does not, then 'kumquat' is clearly the way to go, safetywise.
On yet another note, hum. Rape scenes. Before I understood the nature of sexual assault, the carelessness, brutality, and power that lay behind it, I used to think that was sort of a neat idea. There was a time I thought men only raped women that they wanted so desperately they couldn't live without, and to a girl like me, a girl with occasionally very low self-esteem, that seemed somewhat wonderful. Flattering. There are occasions when I feel nobody can muster enough wanting of me to condescent to a snog, let alone fuel the fires in their loins so much that they are forced to disrespect personal saftey, societal norms, moral values and the law.
Then I learned what rape really is, and it suddenly seemed alot less appealing.

So. The scene. I asked him to take control, and he took it. Gave me a safeword and buckled my hands in the wrist restraints to the collar at my throat. He tried to show me in the mirror that I was beautiful, but all I wanted to do was look away. My master, when he is my master, is lovely. Simply lovely. He looks unnatural -- his face is very gaunt, his eyes sunken, his cheekbones and clavicals sharply pronounced. His hair is long and sort of honey colored. He's beautiful.
And standing in front of him in the mirro with my wrists clasped to my throat, I felt terrible. A mess, with bad skin and an unfortunate body.
He asked me if I could see how beautiful I was, and I said no.
And kindly he turned me away from the mirror.

It felt like a very long scene. I can't remember properly, but I think it's been a while since I've been so subjucated. It revolved around me. He touched me but would not let me touch him. He whipped me when I made mistakes, hard enough that I knew I was being punished. He tied me to a chair and blindfolded me, and in the dark I realized I had no clue what would happen to me that night. I trust him. I know he would not harm me, but I didn't know how far my limits would be pushed, and I knew I wasn't going to use that safeword. I was scared. And that was wonderful.
And then, when I was tied to the chair, legs apart, he teased me. And teased me. And teased me. I can't recall how many times he brought me to the point of orgasm. I was in no state to even try and count.
And then he untied my wrists and had me touch myself. And then I felt better. The mirror can't show me that I'm beautiful, and 22 hours of the day neither does he, but when we are in scene, when his voice catches and he can't look away -- that I believe.
He told me I had no idea how hot I looked, touching myself like that.

And then we used our new toy. A ballgag, huzzah! Not very effective at actually keeping me quiet, probably because the knowledge that I had a gag led me to be less careful about controlling how loud I was. But it was fun.
Oh yes, it was alot of fun. After almost an hour of being kept at the point of orgasm, I came quickly. And then, pointing and looking, I am sure, piteous, because I couldn't make myself all that well understood with a rubber ball in my mouth, I begged him to get off himself.
And he complied.
Flipped me so I was on the bottom and rammed into me, talking.
I should mention that I love talking. I'm maybe the most verbal person I've ever met. Words are the sexiest things I can imagine, I just love them. I'm obsessed with the English Language.
I love talking.
And he talked to me. Told me that I had no choice, that I was gagged and bound and he was having his way with me and there was nothing I could do about it and I loved it.
Twice I came that night.

You can't kiss through a ball gag. My partner always kisses me once he's finished, sweetly and softly for the first time since he entered the room, ussually. That just doesn't work with an inch-and-a-half diameter rubber ball between you.

I was curled up twitching. I had never been scared, before. When he first tied me to the bed, I wasn't scared. I was never scared, I just felt this overwhelming sense of trust. This tested that, and it was good. In someways it felt more honest to be a little bit afraid. I still trusted him, I still know that he won't hurt me, but I realized suddenly that when I gave up controll I gave up all control, and that was that.
Quite a sensation.

We switched again for a few minutes at the end. Two well lubed fingers in him and my lips locked around his cock, and he'd matched me for orgasms that night.

And I just realized he looked somewhat... different. Confused or surprised, when I pointed at him so desperately once I'd first gotten off. 'You want me to get off?' he said. Well, of course! Maybe he really was planning on making the night all about me. Hmm.

A few more general notes: the slave thing hasn't happened yet. It's a tempting little idea, but not one I think that I could implement in my own, very comfortable room. It just feels all wrong -- if we ever get to a different space, perhaps then I can really take control and stop being Ms. Nice-Mistress, but until then this works out ok. Though it's been a bit since I've been Ms. Anything-At-All-Mistress, and I should definitely rectify that.
Also, my partner and I recently discussed the idea of keeping roles for a slightly longer period of time. It's an interesting question. I brought it up, and I honestly expected him to demure, to explain why it would be a bad idea and I would say yeah, I know, and we'd leave it at that. Part of our relationship has always been complete freedom. We can leave whenever we want to, and generally come back, though not always. We can go snog other people, and we do. We are not tied to eachother outside of being close friends, and anything like this, even if only instituted foro a few days, would change that. A Sub cannot leave, and a Dom should not. I don't know how restraining such a thing would be on him, and I figured he'd say no hands down. He seemed interested, though. If we decide to try it, it would take alot of negotiation before hand, because we can't simply drop it while other people are around, but we also do not want to be obvious about it, at all. It will probably express itself as just a shift in power. Once in roles, only Dom can ask Sub for favors, and Sub must comply, etc. Dom, in their turn, should do all in their power to keep Sub out of the hands of others, and to make take care of them should any harm come to them.

Dunno if it can feasibly happen, but it would be an interesting thing to try.

So. I bottomed, I subbed, I was tied down and teased. I'm glad he remembered to turn out the lights when he left, because after that I would have slept with them on rather than make any attempt at getting up again.

Trust Your Bottom, Trust Your Top

I've been thinking alot about the trust thing. I only really got into this over the past six months or so, and I can safely say that all of my BDSM experiance is attached to one partner. This partner and I are nonmonogamous, we're not in a relationship, we're not in love. We're close friends and we've been on-and-off play partners for just about a year now.
The BDSM aspect has built itself up gradually, step by step, comfort level by comfort level. Now we play with rope and restraints and a flogger and a buttplug and all sorts of lovely stuff along those lines.
Last night I was a pet. My master told me to keep still and then he teased me till I drove my nails into my palms, but I kept still. He suspended my arms from a loop above the bed, had me kneel and show me with my mouth how much I wanted him. And I wanted him.
It's easy, with him, to roll over and play the pet. It's easy, now, to slip into that role. And I'm a proud little pet, I really am. I will not be squicked. If my master wants it of me, I will do my best to give it to him (though I am careful about letting him know my boundaries before we go into scene).
The scene went over well. Left me twitchy, which is always good. I am getting the slightest bit restive, though. When I'm topping I tend to avoid intercourse, because it's not something I can control very well, and so it's difficult. My partner is a huge fan of intercourse from behind. Which is fine with me, I've learned that I enjoy it, but I would like to return to other positions, as when he has his way with me, he has it that way, and when I have my way with him, there's not really sex per-say involved.
Post-scene, as ever, we talked. Discovered the discrepency in experiance with the scene. He's been at this alot longer than I have, it seems... He's been getting tied down since I was giving head to boys who didn't understand the norm of reciprocity.
He mentioned an online service type thing, I'm not sure what. One where people post about such preferences in search of like-minded play partners. He talked of maybe getting in touch with another switch.
And I wonder if I could do that? Could I top somebody I didn't know, if I knew they wanted it? Could I let someone I hadn't touched before tie me down?
I'm not all that promiscuous a person, but I'm pretty loose about the giving end of oral-sex, so it might work.
What I realized, though, is that as non-monogamous, non-commited as we are, we have for the past six months had a fairly exclusive relationship, in that we don't get to tie our other partners up. I've been special because I've been the girl with whom my partner experiments, pushes boundaries, goes farther.
I wonder if I'd lose that if he found another player.
I've been thinking about it all morning. And where I am now -- I don't really have the option of not being ok with this, because that's not how the relationship works, and it's not the sort of person I am. And in the end, while it would take me a while to get used to, I'd be ok.
But I want that site.
If he can track down someone new to play with so can I. I hooked-up with my first totally new person in months recently, and you know what? It's fun. I could do that.

As a closing note, I'm not sure how long this 'pet' thing is going to last. I'm edging towards domming like I've never dommed before. If I'm so in charge, why should I be so nice?
Pet's are all very well, but I could use a slave for a night.

Topping

A funny fact of biology: by and large, unless there's some serious birthcontrolling going on, once a month women bleed out of their vaginas for a few days running.
This is not problem for everybody. Many women, I've heard, just keep on trucking. If you're a full-time mistress, you can just tell your slave to ignore it and they'll go right ahead.
I'm a switch, and also find that rather icky, so for three to five (guaranteed) nights a month, I'm a no-action-please top.
Which has a world of merits of its own.
It's very interesting to go into a scene knowing that it's not just going to center around your sub and bottom, it's going to be all about him. No touching you, no playing with you, just you taking your time to make him squirm, gasp, moan and plead.
Considering the negotiations that went on before last night's scene, the restraints went on almost as an afterthought. My partner and I play often enough that he knows when I'm on my period because it means that things have to change for a few days, so it was no surprise to him that I would be doing the topping. It might have come as something of a surprise when I let him know how indepth I intended to go, but it might not have.
Before we used restraints regularly, in fact very early into playing with eachother, my partner got into the habit of folding his arms behind his back and lying on them when I gave him head. It's an easy little form of self-restraint, and I noticed last night as I was beginning that he had already done so, probably without even thinking about it.
I very kindly offered to tie him up, and he thanked me.
Then we really got started. Notes on last night are as follows: silk (actually, I'm embarrassed to say, it's 100% rayon, but it's very nice) is lovely. Silk wrapped very lightly around a restrained boy's cock is lovelier still.
Anal play needs alot of lube. My partner and I have been shifting through lubes at an alarming rate. We didn't always use it, but there are times, often when we're having sex for the second time in a night, or particular positions, etc., that it has chaffed enough to interfere with my enjoyment, and so I suggested we get some. Niave little thing that I was, I'd been intrugued by TV comercials for KY Warming Liquid. Warming? That sounds exciting, says I. No. Do not buy this product, kids. It's not very smooth, it doesn't last long, and should you occasion to get it in your mouth, it tastes utterly vile. I think the warming process has something to do with it -- it tastes like chemicals and spice. Next we bought a thicker, flavored lube, California Fantasies Razzels Warming Liquid in Kissable Cherry flavor. We were trying to avoid warming, but it was what we could find that was relatively inexpensive and flavored. It's thicker, smoother, and lasts longer, but it's stil no great prize and it tastes like chemical cough syrup. I think we're going back to good old fashioned Astroglide. It doesn't taste wonderful, but it can't taste much worse, and it works like charm.
At any rate, the cherry stuff worked well enough for last night. We had approached some level of anal play once before, but I was a bit distracted by goings-on of my own that night, so while pleasant, it was not all that it could have been. I decided to go at it again with a clear head.

Oh. It's worth it at this juncture to mention that anal play is something that happens only when I'm topping. My partner is comfortable with it and enjoys it, and while I'm comfortable with being on the giving end of it, I'm not so sure about the recieving end just yet.

Anyway. Lots of lube. And slow, firm, gentle fingers. One finger in, out, in, then two fingers in, and try not to pay attention to the squirming. It helped to remember to put a pillow under his hips, though my linnens suffered greatly for it. My partner has been more overtly into the scene for longer than I have, so I discovered recently he owns a buttplug already. So that was put to use, and I am impressed at how stretchy the boy is. Again, alot of lube, alot of making sure everything is ok, and going very, very slowly.
Last night proved to be a two-hand-and-mouth job, but the result was breath-taking. Moving the plug somewhat, in and out if possible, while giving head, basically reduced him into a jabbering ball of "Please, Mistress...".
I think he said please more that night than in the three months previous.

A good night, all told.

... Apparently he's going to take control back one of these days. There may be a post on bottoming soon, it seems.

About the Eyehooks

There are seven of them, around my bed right now. I have the good fortune of having a loft for my bed, but I put the mattress (totally without thinking about this added benefit) underneath it. This leaves me with six strong two-by-fours around my bed, and a just-at-standing-height ceiling over top of it.
This was at the beginning of the year, when B&D was barely a twinkle in my lover's eye. As we got more rough-and-tumble in bed, though, the possibilities of the posts around my bed became more striking.
The first two eyehooks I bought went into the two-by-fours at the top corners of the bed. Wrist-restraints. Worked out quite nicely. As we grew comfortable with that and ready to experiment more I added two at the bottom corners, for ankles -- we still don't use them very much. In fact, we don't use them as often as I'd like to. I was surprised at how much I enjoy spread-eagled, all-limbs-tied sex. I thought that the position wouldn't work very well, but in the end I was fairly overwhelmed.
After the ankle-restraint eyehooks, I added one in the middle at the top of the bed, raised slightly, for wrist-together bondage, and one in the middle at the center of the bed, for lying the other way along it or for ankles-together restrainment. Thus far, that one doesn't get used very much. In fact, I'm not sure I can recall ever having used it -- I'm seriously condsidering the possibility of moving it, but my partner has some ideas about other ways it could be used, so we'll just have to see.
Finally, there's one good, strong eyehook screwed into the cieling (what would be the bottom of the bed-lofting, in a two-by-four support). This was the most recent addition, and a wonderful addition it has been. Although it's basically too short for standing and to high for kneeling, with the clever use of bondage rope, or any other sort of cord really, you can create a loop for a handle, or tie wrists together and then give some slack before tying to the hook. What you have is your sub, arms up, on their knees, with enough leeway to be pulled towards you or pushed away. It's a wonderful sight.
So there it is. Seven eyehooks around my bed, a myriad of postions to tie and be tied into.

Beginnings

An advisory post: This is my other journal. It is the one about the things I do at night, in my room, with my play-partner, wrist-restraints, bondage rope, blind folds, ice, a flogger, a leather strap, a butt-plug, and lube.
A year ago I was not comfortable with being tied down, by anyone, at all. I was perhaps excited by the idea, but I wasn't comfortable with it.
Alot has changed in a year, and I have a feeling alot will continue to change. This blog is about my growth and exploration of B&D, D/s, and to a lesser extent S&M sexuality.
Another note: I identify as a switch, as does my play-partner. That means sometimes he calls me mistress and sometimes I call him sir. This is not "The Story of O". This is an equal relationship where the power is handed back and forth.
All that said and done, over the past few months BDSM has become something I think alot about. It's a hobby as much as a form of sexuality, and this should be an interesting blog about everything from the expansion of comfort, new things I've tried, how I feel about fetish wear, etc. etc. It won't be erotica, but it won't be vanilla, either.