Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Suspension, Mostly. And Everything Else, As Well.

Well, that's done.
Boy and I had our conversation about summer, which was, as with most of our hard conversations, mostly me talking and him nodding. In the end, the truth is he got started late and he's trying, I was over reacting due to a tendency to react to future possibilities (ie, thus far he has looked at a few internships far away and none close, if we assume that he goes far away and never does look close, then the worst possible out come of that is .... and so on. Too good at seeing the worst possible outcome, I am.) Either we'll be together this summer or we won't, and we'll deal with that when we come to it, and it's ridiculous for me to decide that the relationship has an End Date on it now, when nothing at all is certain. Plus I love him. That bit is really, really important.
So I'm convinced that he'll try, and that if he fails we will find a way to work around it. My resolve to keep trying until the bitter end has been returned.
I hope and I believe there isn't a bitter end coming anytime soon.

On, then, to all the amazing and fun things we've been doing recently.
I literally don't know where to begin.
We've done all sorts of scenes that need commenting on, and we've run another play party and we've been to our first ever explicitly NextGen party, and there's been sex and pegging and pet play and everything else in the world, but what sticks out most in my head is the suspension.

We are getting good at it, friends.

At the NextGen party we went to, we were the only playing pair who knew anything substantial about rope. There was a girl there who put herself into a lovely full body rope harness (like the tortoise shell (kikkou) pattern, sort of), which was especially amazing when you saw the knotwork on the back, but that was about it.
And the space had hard points.
I did my first ever partial suspension of the Boy. We're getting very good at putting me in the air, but he's still the better of us with rope in general, and the same principles don't apply to male as to female suspension (different center of gravity, I think). But I put him one leg in the air, chest harness to the ceiling, bent over, and then tied the lines to the leg and the chest together, so that there was considerable tension...
His face changed. I watched him go from active party to full on submissive in a split second. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
That same night he put me in the air three times. Once face down, twice face up.
I love face up bondage. The muscles of the back of my body take my weight so much more easily. It may be harder to tie, but I wind up feeling as though I could stay up for hours on end. It's like a climbing harness, I can just sit up in it.
I am trying to convince the Boy that he wants to do more things like it.

So, there is all the suspension practice.
At the play party (the one that we ran, which went quite nicely, though it was considerably smaller than I had imagined) we did our first full-on suspension scene.
We had done miniscenes before, a little hitting of the foot with an evil stick (if you don't know, ask). In fact, we've even had sex while I was suspended before: a little too fast and hard for me to get off, but it was an experiment, and if it worked for him it can certainly be made to work for me. And it worked for him. Whoooboy, did it work for him.
Anyhow. This is about the scene.
It was meant to be a dishevelment bondage scene, that lovely Japanese style full of ladies with kimonos tied half on, half off their body, their mouths a perfect red o, their hair artfully, carefully disarrayed. So, off went my clothing and on went my pink rayon kimono-style dressing gown, and on the rope and up I went.
Did the dishevelment work? well, no. I mean, sort of, but not really. It's closer to a bathrobe than it is to a real kimono, and I am no lovely Japanese lady, so it failed.

I'm sorry. I went looking to try to find a nice picture of dishevelment bondage to post, and got captured by this:


It's terrifyingly excellent.

The dishevelment may not have worked as planned, but the scene was lovely. I was up in the air in record time, and though the tensions were all wrong to begin with, they were quickly sorted out, and after that it was the most comfortable face down suspension yet.
As soon as I was comfortably in the air, Boy crouched down near my face and said "I love you." It's rare that this gets said in a scene, as it's not really growly enough to come from the Dom, and not nearly worshipful enough to come from the sub, so in that moment it was just totally magical. I don't have very clear memories of the scene. I know it was beautiful and wonderful and good, but I was pretty far gone, so I can relate few specifics.
There was kissing, and some spanking, I think, and certainly more evil-stick foot-torture (I think I'm discovering a foot fetish in myself. More on that another post). There was alot of kissing and the strange feeling of seeing my Master looking up at me as I hung in the air above him.
The rules we impose on the play party are that there is to be no genital nudity, but application of fingers over panties can do wonders.
For the first time ever, I came swinging in the air.

After he let me down, I refused to move for perhaps 10 minutes. I made people bring me pretzelss and chocolate and water. I glowed alot.

I am not yet 21 years old, unable to go to most kinky clubs and play spaces. But in the past year, boy and I have gone from using leather restraints and carribeaners to being fully comfortable doing scenes in which I am entirely in the air. In the remaining time before my 21st, we will only practice and improve more.
And when they finally let us into spaces together, we will wow the pants off the people who worried we wouldn't know what we were doing.

That's a nice thought.

Monday, February 26, 2007

College Girl Woes

I have a billion things to post about, seriously. It's been an incredibly kink-intensive few weeks, and generally lovely, but at this precise moment the Boy and I are less than thrilled with life and eachother.
Details are in no way necessary, but suffice to say that while it may be harder to meet people after your college years, all you older folks should feel grateful for the fact that you don't have to deal with summer. Boy and I have been more or less together, and definitely seriously involved in eachother's lives, for at least a year and half now, really going on two years.
And last summer we saw eachother rarely, and he was surrounded by friends but I was alone and quite depressed.
And this summer is looking like, despite promising ourselves that it wouldn't happen again, it'll be just the same.
I am not sure how to handle this: 3 months of not seeing my lover, my love, is not acceptable to me. He's not good enough with the phone or the internet to make it even mildly passable.
So I think we're going to work around it and figure something out, but if it comes right down to it, this blog may not be long for the world.
Without my Boy I simply have nothing to blog about.

(So all of you who don't have to worry every year about three months apart, look at your lover and smile. The working world may be tough as hell, but here's one one thing you got on us.)

Real post later tonight. For now, wish me luck in keeping my life together.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Put In My Place

There is a treat at the end of this post.

So, in recent memory, there's been a strong trend toward my being the Dominant party in scenes. Boy started out more dominant (waaaay back when he first turned me on to this stuff), and I more submissive, but his ideology makes that hard. He's still not always comfortable with the fact of himself, a male, dominating and throwing around and fantasy-raping and administering pain to me, a female. And he is getting much more comfortable with his own desire to submit, and I much more comfortable with my own ability to dominate, and so recently, that's how events have tended to turn out.
But I'm a Switch, and until recently I thought of myself as more subby than Dommy, so as much fun as it is to pull him around by his hair and make him kiss my feet, the lack of give-and-take had sort of been getting me down.
So last night we talked about it, and it turns out that his desire to dominate me isn't by any means gone, he just satisfies it in little pieces by being quite dominant every time we have sex. Intercourse tends to translate into Boy fucking me into the mattress. Which I love, but I don't want or need sex to be like that every time, and I do need a chance to really let go and submit. Once this came out, he gave up on any desire he had to sub last night, and decided, instead, to give me what-for.
It was quite a night. I was more far gone into sub-space than I've been in months. He had me on my knees whenever there was waiting, often with his foot on my neck. He dragged me around by my hair and he fucked my mouth, and he hit me very hard with our pretty new flogger, and tied me to a door frame and hit me with the flogger more, and with our horriblewonderful flicker whip, and then he put clothespins all over my breasts, and poked them with a pointy thing we call villanelle (which was the highest level of prolonged, constant pain he has ever put me in, and I was so far gone I couldn't even figure out what he was doing, just that it really fucking hurt and that was good. Bad, but very very good.)
We had been thinking that we needed some sort of predicament situation to really get me into subspace, but it turns out that's not necessarily the case. We just need to play alot fucking harder.
It turns out that, kinkily speaking, we're starting to grow up.
I'm very pleased about last night. It was a pleasure to finally feel really dominated again, and I think finally seeing me really submissive reminded him what he's been missing. I know he didn't give up on girls being tied up and tortured, because he still loves the same old porn as ever. I just think that for a while, I became the girl who let him be submissive, a role he can't take on with anybody else (I wouldn't let him, for one thing), and he forgot that he really likes being able to do nasty, perverted, twisted things to me, too.

A final note: I just realized a change in my possessiveness: Boy always promised that he would not submit to anybody else, and I used to care much less about that. When I was more often submissive, what I really wanted was for my Master to be mine alone. At this point we are starting to get more comfortable with playing in a light way with other people, and I'm comfortable with him being a sort of Dominant-about-the-Play-Party. But nobody touches my Pet exept me. And I think it's the same with him: he likes to see me hitting some lovely girl or tying up some charming boy, but he wouldn't like to see somebody else putting restraints around my wrists.

And I like that. I also like that for Valentine's Day, instead of buying me flowers or candy, he bought me twelve tiny brightly colored mice. They are real rabbit fur (only as biproduct of the food industry, and I eat rabbit so I may as well play with the leftover softness), and are bright green, blue, orange, and pink and the cutest things ever. They are meant for cats. These days, we always peruse the cat-toy section of the grocery store.

The Treat: I am putting an effort into posting more pictures on the blog.
Here, as Frank would say, is One From The Vaults:

I was dressed as a Catholic school girl at the time.

Monday, February 12, 2007


I promised you lot pictures, and I do not break my word. Much. Well, I'm not breaking my word this time, anyway.

My Corset:

My RopeSlut Shirt:

And, although he has no idea I'm putting this up here, My Boy:

He was so charming in this tie. He absolutely could not get out, could not move, could not do anything more than wiggle around a bit and make the sweetest little desperate noises.
Shortly after that I had to remove the tie, sadly.
I couldn't seem to get his pants off without doing so...

And, not that most of you have been good or commented AT ALL, but here is a bonus picture just because I'm very kind.


There. If you don't comment on that, then you haven't a reaction left in your empty little head.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Coming Out

I have just been given cause to think a bit about the prospect of Coming out.
It isn't a phrase that is usually applied to more-or-less-straight girls like myself. But then my lover and I started tying eachother up, and after that we found we rather liked hitting eachother and playing out the roles of Dominant and submissive.
Suddenly I discovered that I'm kinky.
And now I am faced with the prospect of coming out.

I am blessed by being a University student at an incredibly liberal institution, and more than that by being a member of an organized group of friends who are amazingly open and permissive and loving to those (many) that they consider their own.

When we first got into the scene I was secretive, terribly so. No one was to know. I took pains to make sure nobody knew about this blog, for instance. Indeed, at that time, hardly any of our friends even realized that the Boy and I were lovers at all. But I have always spoken freely of myself, and it leaked in. Then the Boy and I decided to hold a play party here, and we had officially come out.

Now we hold workshops and encourage other people to explore the kinkier sides of themselves, and we are happy and enjoy every second of it. Kink is a huge part of my every day life. I love and nurture both the Dominant and the submissive in myself, and I do the same for my Boy, and we, jointly, do the same for all of our just-getting-kinky friends.

And still, even from our friends, we keep some things mostly secret. Very few people know of our position in the kink world outside of the school. They think we learned all this from the internets! The sillies. And as we tell a few more people, I feel more and more that, in that, we were correct in our origional caution. It is not something I want discussed with the world or our vanilla friends. It is private, seperate from this place and these people, and I would prefer it to stay that way.
Those who are closest of all to us can know, but even one level down from that I prefer it kept more or less behind the veil.

And then there's the Real World, looming ever closer beyond these hallowed halls. I can go two directions: devote my life to kink, do photoshoots for fun and profit, perhaps write books and run workshops and try to become a Figure in the kinky world -- or not.
I feel as though I can't go halvsies. I can't be open about kink, but work a vanilla job. It can be all, or it can be basically nothing.

My sister knows, but doesn't know how much, and doesn't really care to. My parents do not know at all, and I am sure they prefer it that way, and that is where I prefer them, as well. It is no fun to leave huge gaps in my reports of my life to them, but I have tested the waters and found them decidedly unwelcoming, so gaps there will be. It is better than trying to bend their brains into understanding.

I suppose I should just value this place and the honesty it allows me. How wonderful that no one bats an eye to hear smacking sounds and whimpers from behind my door! How lovely that we can hang our floggers on the wall! How darling that our kinkclub is allowed to meet in our house every week!

And how sad to think that in a few short years, none of that may remain.

I wonder if Monk and Matisse's families know, and what they think.

Readers: I am curious. How do you stand in the world? Is your kink open to all, or to only your closest, or to no-one who you didn't meet through the scene? Does the secret hurt you?

Let me know. I need some help situating myself with the rest of the kinky world.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Three Posts

This post is at least three different posts. Two specific, one general. Feel free to read one, and then go away, and come back and read the others at other points.

Post # 1 : The Flea

Was awesome. It was so big, and so shiny! I saw people in latex body suits, and there were corseted bossoms as far as the eye could see, and people in full pony-play gear, which I had never seen before, and it was great. Such good people watching. I got my steel-boned corset at Brute Force Leather's room-boutique (it is red and black and beautiful). Boy got an absolutely LOVELY flogger (which we've only recently played with, and I took as much as I could and for once he wasn't hitting as hard as he could, so now we have room to expand, huzzah!) at another room-boutique. The vendors out-side of the main arena were much less mobbed and tended to be a little cheaper, which was great. They also had more time to talk, and so could vend their wares a little better and help you pick out the item that you wanted.
We also bought rope from Twisted Monk, and a suspension ring, and we gave him and Alex little chocolates full of coffee and then Alex gave me a free Rope Slut shirt, which I wear proudly, if not to class.
We met alot of friends and had alot of fun people watching and bought the extortionally expensive hotel food. We stayed at a Motel 6 and watched crappy TV and played a little bit and ate Dominos Pizza because it delivered right to the room. We went to Lee Harrington's hair and face bondage demo, and then we went to Midori's thing on Cathartic v. Catylitic Scenes (interesting, but not overwhelming, I thought).
All in all, we had a great time, and will definitely try to be back in the spring. Possibly we will stay in hotel that's holding it and go to whatever pretty party there is, because we won't be needing to make major purchases this time.
I left with big crushes on Lee Harrington, Midori and Alex. Though I wouldn't want to play with Midori any time soon. That woman scares me.

Post # 2 : The Photo Shoot

So, about as soon as we got back to school, a friend of ours asked the Boy and I to tie her up and take pictures, so that she could send them to her boyfriend for Valentine's Day. What a nice thought. Obviously, we agreed immediately.
We talked alot about it and came up with alot of ideas and few plans. We tied her up in gorgeous, gorgeous ways, and she brought along her Hitachi Magic Wand. So, as we rather predicted, at some point photoshoot and scene ran into one another, and we teased her and I forbid her orgasm for half an hour or more, and then allowed her orgasm, and then didn't take the vibrator away and forbid it again, and then allowed it, and then didn't take the vibrator and forbid it again, and then allowed it.
After the second time I asked her, "If you were me, and you had a sexy girl tied down like this, would you stop now or would you go for three?" And she said she'd go for three, and I thought that is what I would do too, so I did it.
That third orgasm was amazing.
The whole thing was amazing. The first time I'd brought someone two orgasm with another person in the room. The first time I'd done a scene with anybody other than the Boy that ended in orgasm. It felt like I'd put a huge wall up, and then casually walked around it without hardly even noticing. It felt good the whole way through, and I think that that's good. Planning is the eternal enemy: I can do, I will do and I want to do, but the more I think about doing the harder it seems to be.
Nike apparently got it right.
The bastards.

P.S. We hope to have her sign a limited model release form, and I would love to post some of the more anonymous and less graphically pornographic shots. It was lovely to do the shoot, and we both saw a possible, eutopian future for ourselves doing things like this forever and ever.

Post # 3 : Everything Else

Is also going very well. We have new toys and are doing more playing. It nolonger feels like it's been forever since we scened, and I know that I, especially, am much more feeling like I've got more scenes in me. I am getting back into the love of rope, which makes me happy, and I am feeling my Dominant side come out, and feeling like I have the energy to submit to more complicated scenes in which I am submissive. So, really, it all seems good. We are both very busy this semester, but I think we'll find time to play and time to be together, and niether of us will die of stress.
I am feeling reciprocity alot these days. I feel like we are both so much better off for having eachother. He helps me, I help him. We both have the exta energy to help the other, but might not have had the energy to go our ways alone.

This is good.

So, a much happier post than last time. And tonight is the party, and there will be playing, and then I come home and dress up as a Bond girl for another party tonight.

For today, all is going quite well.