Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Coming Out

I have just been given cause to think a bit about the prospect of Coming out.
It isn't a phrase that is usually applied to more-or-less-straight girls like myself. But then my lover and I started tying eachother up, and after that we found we rather liked hitting eachother and playing out the roles of Dominant and submissive.
Suddenly I discovered that I'm kinky.
And now I am faced with the prospect of coming out.

I am blessed by being a University student at an incredibly liberal institution, and more than that by being a member of an organized group of friends who are amazingly open and permissive and loving to those (many) that they consider their own.

When we first got into the scene I was secretive, terribly so. No one was to know. I took pains to make sure nobody knew about this blog, for instance. Indeed, at that time, hardly any of our friends even realized that the Boy and I were lovers at all. But I have always spoken freely of myself, and it leaked in. Then the Boy and I decided to hold a play party here, and we had officially come out.
Here.

Now we hold workshops and encourage other people to explore the kinkier sides of themselves, and we are happy and enjoy every second of it. Kink is a huge part of my every day life. I love and nurture both the Dominant and the submissive in myself, and I do the same for my Boy, and we, jointly, do the same for all of our just-getting-kinky friends.

And still, even from our friends, we keep some things mostly secret. Very few people know of our position in the kink world outside of the school. They think we learned all this from the internets! The sillies. And as we tell a few more people, I feel more and more that, in that, we were correct in our origional caution. It is not something I want discussed with the world or our vanilla friends. It is private, seperate from this place and these people, and I would prefer it to stay that way.
Those who are closest of all to us can know, but even one level down from that I prefer it kept more or less behind the veil.

And then there's the Real World, looming ever closer beyond these hallowed halls. I can go two directions: devote my life to kink, do photoshoots for fun and profit, perhaps write books and run workshops and try to become a Figure in the kinky world -- or not.
I feel as though I can't go halvsies. I can't be open about kink, but work a vanilla job. It can be all, or it can be basically nothing.

My sister knows, but doesn't know how much, and doesn't really care to. My parents do not know at all, and I am sure they prefer it that way, and that is where I prefer them, as well. It is no fun to leave huge gaps in my reports of my life to them, but I have tested the waters and found them decidedly unwelcoming, so gaps there will be. It is better than trying to bend their brains into understanding.

I suppose I should just value this place and the honesty it allows me. How wonderful that no one bats an eye to hear smacking sounds and whimpers from behind my door! How lovely that we can hang our floggers on the wall! How darling that our kinkclub is allowed to meet in our house every week!

And how sad to think that in a few short years, none of that may remain.

I wonder if Monk and Matisse's families know, and what they think.

Readers: I am curious. How do you stand in the world? Is your kink open to all, or to only your closest, or to no-one who you didn't meet through the scene? Does the secret hurt you?

Let me know. I need some help situating myself with the rest of the kinky world.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think halvsies is the way to go for a while, unfortunately... it's easy enough to be a part of things in both the online/blog community and the real life community, pretty much wherever you are (we are)... not necessarily the most honest, but the best in the short term, i think.
if only the world had the same values as the leather community... live and let live. maybe in a generation or two, who knows.
loveyou
-boy

3:39 PM  
Blogger Miriam Green said...

Found you via Goose and Gander.

Me? I go halvsies, and I have for a while. I'm not only kinky, but pagan - two strikes against me in the day to day world. I have pen names for most of what I write, and manage fairly well to keep my lives separate enough to function in each. I have not found (yet) that being extremely active in the pagan world and pretty damned active in the kink community have required me to leave my job or my life, or to come out to my blood relatives more than I'd like.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Yeah, these are hard issues. It kinda pisses me off that we even have to worry about them, but so it goes.

I've chosen to be pretty out about most of my life, partly out of conviction, and partly because I seem to be able to get away with it. There have been a few bumps (the day my parents ran across my sex blog wasn't the best day of my life), but overall, it's been pretty smooth.

1:10 AM  

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