Saturday, September 20, 2008

Further Gender Musings

Thanks and Greetings to all the wonderful bloggers who commented on my last post, and special thanks to Maymay for putting it out to the world. I was feelin' kinda lonely for a few days there...

Anyhow. Calico commented that androgyny, while pretty, is terribly hip just now.
Honestly, though, I think the world has always gotten off on androgyny. From the Greeks, whose tragic heroines were always played by men, and the stated "man-womanish"ness of Dionysus, the god in whose honor such dramas were written, to the constant gender-misidentification of Shakespeare's comedies, to the constantly recurring story of the woman who went to war dressed as a man, to save her people, or her family, or her life.
Of course, recently androgyny has taken a turn for the Calvin Klein, short-haired-waiffish-genderless-model side of things. And even more recently, there has been this horrible movement in which skinny boys wear skinny-legged, saggy-bottomed girl's pants, but that I think is more an affront to aesthetics than to the gender binary.
What I'm trying to say is that as long as there has been a strict definition between what falls in the space of Masculinity and what in that of Femininity, people have looked with longing and wonder at what might fall between.

Or have they been looking at what might happen if the spaces were combined?

Boy has commented to me, several times, that he is interested in finding and wearing a pair of high-heeled shoes. I asked him whether he wanted to dress as a girl in general, and he said no... just the shoes. Well, huh. His legs would look about two miles long, and his ass, always lovely, would be positively magnificent ... and he would tower over me. He would be so beautiful, but because of the added hight, he would have the potential to be so much more powerful.

That, I think, is where it's at. There is vast power in the space between genders and the combination of them. Giving strength back to femininity, grace to masculinity, would bring the same power to his dominance as it does to my submission.

For me I think perhaps it is because I can't live there. I am a girl. Boy is, of course, a boy. Life would be less pleasant and less complete if we tried to pretend that that is all there is to it, but it would be impossible to set the all-the-time, every-day part of life to that magical middle space, that powerful combination. I can't be all the things I am, all the time, and there is so much intensity in the ones that, for a hundred reasons, it is more difficult to be.

In the meantime, does anybody have access to a pair of size 11 or 12 heals? Nothing to girly, obviously... a nice pair of chunky- healed black boots would be perfect. There's a Boy who needs to be a bit more girl, here.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

When I Was A Boy

During childhood, as Dar Williams can attest, genders are not so staid and solid as they will later become. To be sure, I went through phases when I would not wear pants, and had names for the pink dress with three unicorns on the front, and the purple dress with tiny valentines. But probably before that, and certainly for most of childhood and life after, I was a different sort of kid.

I have a picture of me at my 10th birthday party, wearing a pair of cut-off jean shorts with holes all around the bottom, with blood caked down my leg from some fall or scrape, and a huge grin on my face. I fell somewhere in the middle of the girl-boy continuum. I played with Barbies constantly, but mostly they were wild jungle heroines, saving Ken from some unknown danger. Other times Ken would rescue Barbie and they would fight along side. I made my own outfits for them, out of bits of handkerchief and clothes pins. And yes, I tied them up. Other times I was a superhero, and other times a harem girl, and I was aware of my sexuality from a young age. And I noticed early on that little girls have a cruelty that boys don't have. Boys can tease, and they can ignore, but they don't have the same calculated, planned unkindness that girls have for those that don't make the cut. I, of course, never did, and so I decided for a while that I would be a boy.

It didn't really work, but all through middle school I wore boys' pants, I hung out with boys, I worked hard to become One Of The Guys, and rather than fight the laughing misogyny of the young bastards I hung out with, I absorbed it. I have it to this day, meshing poorly with deep seated feminism -- a feeling that if women are just as smart and capable as men are, if only they would stop being so fucking irrational all the time.

And there I was, in college. I liked to wear wide-leg pants and small, tailored velvet blazers, and put my hair up into a news-boy cap. At the prom party, I went as another girls date, with my hair slicked back, in a tail coat and a collared shirt unbuttoned to show my wonder-bra-ed breasts. I love boys in corsets and girls with shaved heads, a helpless devotee of androgyny.

So, this is me. And then I met a Boy who liked to be fucked.

And here is where it gets interesting: I love fucking boy, I love strapping on a cock, but wearing a cock while I fuck him makes me feel... well, androgynous, yes. But very much on the Female side of androgyny. I am a woman with a cock, powerful and lovely. I love that feeling.

Recently, however, we began to be unhappy about the fact that with the glorious harness Boy made for me, I cannot be fucked while wearing the cock. We were unsure what to do to solve the problem, until Boy remembered the rope-harness we learned in Bondage You Can Use by Lee "Bridget" Harrington, the bestest of the best of Sex and Bondage Educators. It took a bit of modification, but suddenly I could wear a cock and still have my girlbits exposed. I could have a cock, and still be fucked.

In this submissive position, my cock meant a whole other thing. It never occurred to me that I was a girl in that context: I was a boy, submissive to a bigger, stronger Boy. And I LOVED it. I had never been a boy the way I was like that, even though vaginal intercourse made my girl parts very apparent. Nor had I ever felt submissive in the same way I did, with my hard silicone cock pushed into the bed and the base pushing against my pubic mound, turning me on even more as Boy fucked me.

So what does it mean, do you think, that when I wear a cock and am dominant, I remain a female thing, but when I wear it and submit I become a boything? I don't know how to parse it. I just know that I want more. I want to be a submissive boy and a dominant girl. Maybe not forever or exclusively, but this does a new pieces in the jigsaw puzzle of my gendering.

Plus also, funsex. More please soon.