Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Sweet and Bitter Don't Always Make Bittersweet

Waiting, waiting.
College is BUSY! And you know what that means? Boy and I can have deep talkings one night, steal time from papers, show and restaurant to hash-out where things need to be worked on and why each of us might be having some wobblies about the relationship, and get it all mostly figured out... and then the conversation ends, and we don't have time to spend the rest of that night together, nor see eachother for more than an hour the next day (and that in the midst of Boy's last huge and immediate piece of work), and now it is today and it isn't looking like we'll have much more time than the past two. And poor Boy slept maybe two hours, probably less last night. Weather The Storm is not a good analogy for this. It's a drought, more like. Believe there will be a chance to make things better. Believe that we will take that chance when it comes.
This, compounded with the slow build of my stress, and the truly horrendous overlap of the bad point in my hormonal cycle and not getting enough sleep, equalled a crying little Switch last night. Poor Boy! He flat out did NOT have time to give to me. I'd taken the extra the night before, with the conversation! He came and held me anyhow, but it's hard. I'm very, very bad at asking to be comforted, and knowing he had work I asked him as a last resort, after several friends had not realized that there was desperation under my requests for company. So good to be comforted, but not as effective as it should have been because I always manage to compound it with guilt. Silly little Switch, full of issues like a magazine.
So we are waiting. To relax, be together, get things going good again.
One of his perennial problems is that he has trouble forming close bonds, and we have managed to form one, and so he spends much of his time with me, because it is so easy. He needs to spend time with other people, without me. That was the last thing we talked about, after I had thought our talkings over, and now, again, I worry. He has a good point, and it's important: but I worry that we'll try to tackle that problem first, and in doing so not get to any of the issues in the relationship itself. Send him off to spend time with other people, get to know them and form bonds with them, and the bond with us will weaken and become a symbolic shell of what it is supposed to be. Worries. He as much as told me last night that he's not planning on doing that, but this is where I voice my worries.
Some hours I am full of joy and faith and optimism, others full of worry that edges on despair. This hour I am well. I think that the wellness will win out.
I wonder why I feel the need to publish these feelings?
I suppose because I don't have a confidant, really. You who read this, far away and without meeting me, with your own relationship struggles and such, posting this and giving it to you is the best way for me to get it out, give it to somebody, know that it is being heard, and yet not feel guilty.
I want somebody to say to me "I want to be with you when you are sad, and make you happy. Of course seeing you cry isn't fun for me, but I would prefer to be here than to be anywhere else, and have you crying alone."
Of course, that's what I tell people when I am comforting them, and I always mean it. They don't always listen, but I always mean it.
(Which is to say, told to me it would be my own words coming back, and therefor, despite my knowledge of my own sincerity, it would ring false).
These are musings.
I have faith that today will be a good day. I hope hope to resume my partnership with my lover starting today: because we have been on shaky ground, and I have not felt that bond, that he relied on me and I on him. That is partnership to me, and there's been a gap. But I know that, at this stage in life and our relationship, all of that can be turned around in a day. And so I have faith, and I have hope.

I really do.
Things will get better, they'll be fine.

I love to see him smile.


Blogger Switch said...

finally commenting
it seems like the drought is over, and we're balancing time with each other and time with other people pretty well. and having some damn good sex.
love you, babe
happy saturday!

5:52 PM  

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