Sunday, June 18, 2006

I Want a Scene

I just got off work. A short day today, just nine and half hours. Only it was even busier than last night, and it was 95 degrees outside, and my supervisor type person (the cook I work with and under, directly) was curt and had a habit of getting me to do things better, and by better I mean take apart orders I was about to send out and do them all over again, not actually better, but His Way.
I am tired. I am worried about my relationship. I am walking home 5 or 6 or 7 blocks each night, at 12:00 or 1:00 or 1:30 am, in the city where occasionally, at 7:00 pm in broad day light you get jerked off next to in the Park.
I am worried about my relationship. That bears saying twice.
Mostly, all of this, especially the worried-about-relationship bit (even if it does bear saying twice) is due to PMS. None of it would build up in me so if my hormones weren't in a mood to freak out over spilled milk. I held it together through five hours of service, doing more work than either of the previous two days. Now, I'm freakin' out.
And I looked over, and saw the choke chain that I wear around my wrist, and I thought,Oh, God, I want to sub.
I want to be owned and taken care of and made to feel good. I want to be possessed and wanted and did I say taken care of because that bit's really important. I want to be tied up and tied down and I want that sort of slow but inexorable, sensual torture. I want it.
And I can't have it. Not now. Not soon. Maybe not for a long, long time. Boy is busy, and distracted, and I don't know if he'll visit me again this summer, and when I visit him he'll be working alot, he'll be tired, I'll be topping.
And by that time it won't matter so much.
My Boy and I, we are in an open relationship. In three or four days, when my brain chemistry's right again, I won't care so much about the fact that he may well be hookin' up with another lady all summer. (He says he probably won't, so we'll see). Only, I know she's into the Scene. And that's harder to let go of than anything else.
I may be his only Mistress, but I wonder why. I know she'd feel comfortable taking him, and I'm sure that desire must be strong in him.
But that's not the real trouble. The real trouble is not my Pet allowing himself to be taken by another, because really? He won't. He's a good Pet, and I made it very, very clear to him last time that he is Mine, and if someone else touches him than I won't touch him anymore.
I worry about my Master, the boy who first tied me down, who first beat me, the boy who first showed me how to relax and just come because I had no bloody choice in the matter.
This girl's a sub with boys. She'd sub for him. And then I'm not special anymore, am I? I'm not his Pet, I'm one of his pets. And that is very, very hard.
It feels like it's been forever since he Dommed me, really really Dommed me. He's getting more and more into subbing, and I enjoy that, and I play a good Mistress, but I miss my Master.
I want to be taken care of, to be taken. I want to be on the bottom, I want to give up control.
But even if, when he reads this, he wants nothing more than to do what I want, we're miles apart.
So, this is the sad blog entry.
I'm worried, we're separated, I'm lonely, it's late.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're my only Mistress because you're my only Mistress... I don't want her to take me, because that wouldn't mean anything. That said, there's a lot to talk about, with everything you've mentioned here, and there's a lot I want to say but i'm not sure now's the time... for now, I love you, and I want nothing more in this world than to top you. *hug*
sweet dreams, Pet

1:45 AM  

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