Friday, December 07, 2007

Thoughts and Such

I wanted to write an entry about The Great Dirt Disaster, or: How I Can Hold Domliness Better Than My Curtain Rod Can Hold Plants, but that's about the entirety of the interesting bit. I also did dirty things to Boy, but I do that a lot.
In fact, we've recently been coming to terms with exactly how much I do that. Too much. Not because I could ever have too much of scritching my puppy or beating my Boy, but because I am a switch, dammit. I like to be submissive too. I think. To be honest, this year we've been doing far fewer scenes than we liked, and the majority of them, I've been topping. So much so that I have no idea how to give up control anymore, how to trust Boy as in charge and in control of the scene. It's combined with feeling a terrible need to be taken care of, and not knowing how to let myself be. And with not knowing whether or not Boy even really wants to dominate me at all, or knows how to or cares about comforting me, or, or, or.
I have been getting trapped and confused in my head, and it's icky and disgusting. And of course, as long as it's been since I subbed, it's been that long since Boy Dommed. So he spends lots of time looking at pictures of tied up girls, and pointing out girls he'd like to tie up, and he is very pleased whenever some sweet little thing calls him sir, and I get all grumpy because I feel like he doesn't want that from me anymore.
Which I'm sure isn't true, but I've been so Big recently that it must be hard to see me as Little. And he's used to being Little with me, and so of course he's having trouble being Big.
The problem, is that of the two of us, I'm the more pro-active. Solving interpersonal problems is what I do. I give advice that is not solicited, I poke my nose where it's probably not wanted, and when I think some part of my relationship needs fixing, by gum, I try to fix it!
But, I can't make him feel Toppy. I can't make him Dom me. I can't even make him see me as Little... half the time when I try to be Little, the part of him that's Little gets jealous and before I know it I'm giving him scritches. Which is wonderful and comforting, but generally not what I am going for.
The past two nights I've tried to orchestrate scenes in which I am, if not submissive, at least bottoming. I got my back beaten till I called stop one night, and I got tied up and messed with another, but it didn't work. What I want has to come from inside him. I can only help by changing my self.
I can try to be Little and cute and submissive, but that leaves me vulnerable, and if he doesn't respond then I've lowered my defenses for no reason. It is no fun to be little without somebody to be big, and I'm not really willing to risk it.
So what do I do?
Nothing, I guess. Do the Toppy scenes I've got in mind for him, hope that playing that way is better than not playing at all and we will be set on the right track. Hope that the escalating nature of or switchy relationship will get back, and someday he will plan something wicked for me.
To top it all off, I think I'm PMSing.

So, here is the other problem: I have had the terrible good luck of making friends. Friends who are into Kink. Friends who have blogs. Friends who READ THIS BLOG.
And the thing is, this is only sort of a blog about kink in general, and only sort of a blog about the world at large. Really, it's a blog about my relationship. The good and the bad and the dirty. And I do about 97% of the writing, which means that it's terribly one-sided. And while I'm fine with y'all knowing how loud Boy screamed that last time I pegged him, I don't know how I feel about your knowing every time we have a fight. The ins and outs and ups and downs are confusing and difficult enough for us to handle, let alone you. I don't want to get sad comments every time I write a post that looks like this one. I don't want to have to explain whether or not Boy and I are really on the outs this time. We probably aren't. We haven't been so far.

Anyhow. Boy is sitting here kissing me and I don't want him to stop, but it's hard to write and kiss at the same time.
And also, he came and gave me scritches behind the ear without my having to do anything much in particular except butt at him in the shoulder with my head, so probably all will be just perfect in a bit.

It tends to be.

4 Comments:

Blogger squeal said...

Tyr and I are often built the same way. In fact, we went through a very similar period where he wanted top/domming and I was up there hitting him and thinking "Pilot to tower... Does anyone know how to fly this thing?"

Weird metaphor, but I hope it gives some sense of where I was. I'm the uber-proactive one, too, and he's the stoic. And that can be a huge headache, especially when my well-intentioned meddling creates more harm than good. Especially when I'm PMSing, because I've got a tendency to create entire ranges of mountains out of molehills then.

The thing that worked for me was time, and giving myself air. It only started working for me after I was a student and my deadlines were less psycho. Being a student is so expected that we forget it's insanely hard work, and it's a huge strain on the Everything Else of life. So cut yourself some slack!

Much love. Glad we chatted today, too!

9:14 PM  
Blogger Mischief said...

I've definitely been in that sort of situation, where the energy you crave and treasure just isn't there sometimes. For me, Dom stuff is really exhausting emotionally and physically, and sometimes I'm not up for it.

"Sometimes" can be a long time occasionally. Nothing can forcibly push you back towards that place. You just kind of have to find yourself inspired again.

Like squeal said, though, "The thing that worked for me was time, and giving myself air."

Be patient. It'll come.

2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't know about perfect, but i think we're doing alright. time helps, as does (slowly) getting back into this topping thing. it's complicated by the fact that we moved from leather restraints and hitting and poking into a mutual fascination with rope, which is so much less of an inherent power dynamic and more of its own thing. I miss the rituals and the scene-setting and the D/s, and I know you do, and I think that in a little while, when all our work is done for the time being, we'll figure out how to get it all back. That and my boots got all kinds of scuffed last night.
-z

1:37 PM  
Blogger tigerlily said...

shoulder butts are yum.

will you be in town over break?

12:46 AM  

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