Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I didn't post....

And this is a fake post, too.
But, see... two or three years ago, I remember, Boy went away to Israel for 10 days. And at the time, although we didn't always see eachother, we had been ending our evenings chatting every night in recent memory. Or, at least, it was the end of my night. Boy's always been a night owl.
I've been gone just a few days, but yesterday evening we didn't talk, and tonight, I got online to find that he was on his way out. I begged him to stay a bit, only to get in a fight.
So now, I feel... less than adored, and like a stupid bitch for being antagonistic, and lonely. And tired.
And what it comes down to is I wish that either we were in a sweet lovey-dovey place where he was interested in talking to me on the internets or the phone even if he did have other things he'd wanted to be doing,
I was in a good tough happy place where I didn't give a shit what he was doing and could go to bed and masturbate thinking about someone else entirely and glad of the personal space that the miles currently between us provide.
But, instead, here I am, feeling lonely and crappy. I was feeling a little unloved before we started talking, and then I went and had to be a bitch, so now I'm feeling lonely and justifiably unloved.
And also passive aggressive for posting about this, but I don't care if Boy's got his own name to post under now, this has always been my blog and I've always posted when I'm feeling relationship-down, so I will do so now.
We'll be fine. I'm just not getting what I wanted out of space. I don't feel like he gives a damn that I'm gone, or a damn about how I'm doing or a damn about when I'm getting back, except that it oughtn't occur when he's got any other appointments.
And I spent a long time with Boy not giving much of a damn about me, and it's only allowed to continue if I can not give much of a damn about him, either.
Which, of course, wasn't an option then or now.
Standing in love with a partner who's far away and distracted far away, when your other play partner is out of touch and you've had a long day involving dental work just sucks.
I wish he coulda stuck around to make me feel better instead of reading this here. I wish I were feeling strong and independent and ready to go out and catch me another man when the main one got defective. I wish I hadn't been antagonistic at the wrong time. I wish I hadn't needed to ask him to stay and talk.
I wish that things were going in any one of the directions planned, instead of the way they are.

I have spent the last half hour leafing through the blog of a woman I don't even like very much, and checking my e-mail over and over, and checking my buddy list over and over to see if anybody I am close to has signed on.
When I was younger I used to sit and call through the friends in my address book till somebody picked up and talked to me. I hated that and I hate this.
I don't know why I'm such a pathetic sot tonight, except that I wasted my brief time to talk to Boy in being a bitch, and then I saw a picture of Delano and Michelle and wondered about not being that for him, and him going to find somebody who is not antagonistic about how he deals with his ambitions, but is perfect and just fits all the time. Which probably is impossible, but it's always the impossible girls that are most terrifying.
And I haven't talked to The Irishman for like two weeks, and I miss him.

And, fuck it, it's been three days and I just miss Boy. I want to feel like he misses me too, and I want to talk to him about the leather boots my mom is giving me and the weather and his ambitions and talking to my dad and I don't want to sit here writing this in a blog because I've reverted right back into that pathetic and hated version of myself just as soon as I settled down from my independence streak.

This blog is the only person I've got to talk to, and I wish I wasn't desperate enough to talk to it.

I suck.

Edit Edit:
And his phone's dead, so I couldn't call him even if it seemed like he'd want to chat.


Blogger Eileen said...

I popped online, but it seems you're gone away again. In any case, I just wanted to say hello, and that this post made a lot of sense to me. I hope you can salvage your night, and/or feel solid about being solo again.

Hugs are also offered, if you want them.

5:29 AM  
Anonymous Dov said...

Hugs as always. I understand way to well where you are with that and you are making more sens than you think you don't suck at all.
If you need to talk let me know

9:04 AM  
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5:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i know just what you're talking about with the calling-everyone-in-your-phonebook-and-not-having-anyone -pick-up feeling. and every time it happened i ended up talking with people the next day who were very happy to hear from me. or if i was having a crisis of self-confidence sparked by an interaction with a boy, i would find out that it was based on misunderstanding or miscommunication. the thing to remember is that you've accomplished a ton of awesome things, you're a very sexy lady. and you generally rock. one time when i was in a low self-esteem place, my sister literally had me write "you are awesome" in lipstick on my mirror. i suggest you try it - the silliness factor alone is a pick-me-up, and the truth of it gets through after a while. anyways, sorry this turned into an essay. i just read this and knew exactly those kinds of terrible feelings and felt sad you were feeling them. just know that a lot of people think you rock.
-red haired seattle girl

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