Monday, June 09, 2008

Quick and Dirty Blogging? (And Some Longer Sort of Musings)

Eileen has apparently decided to post a little every day for fifty days. Today is the... 9th. Of June. Fifty days from now is... not the 59th. July 28th. I think. Well, I'm not so sure I can do that not knowing entirely where I'll be or where the internet will be, so let us start with posting a bit every day for a month. Till July 9th.

Last week Boy and I were in Stratford, Ontario, watching plays with Boy's parents and eating delicious food and chilling out. We got back, and the next day I ran to Boston for a date with The Irishman, and he went off to play with a friend of ours, Vampirella. That story is entirely his to tell, but it sounds like he enjoyed it, and I'm glad.

With The Irishman I discussed life after college, how we came to kink and how much we both appreciate the level of communication it encourages (perhaps necessitates). We discussed our tendencies towards dominance and submission, and I discovered a few things that surprised and pleased me to no end. Also I was lead around a hotel room on a leash, had various orifices filled, and was hit a bunch. So, par for the course, really. It was endless fun, but I think next time I might opt for doing things my way.

I am musing on openness. It hit fast and hard in this relationship, and I'm left parsing out the reasons why. When I was a lot younger (the age where a lot of people were still considered too young to be going out with boys, but hooray for liberal parents) I was not much of a one for monogamy. I was flighty, and didn't want to be tied down, and so I didn't tie down those who got involved with me. Or that was the theory, anyway. Nonmonogamy at age 13 is not all that much more interesting than monogamy at age 13. But certainly, I was comfortable with the thought. And stayed so, although actual practice tended towards the monogamous, because that was the way things worked in highschool.

Then, in college, I met Boy. I fell hard and maybe he did or maybe he didn't. I know I kept my feelings locked away in layers, so I didn't have to deal with them or make him deal with them, for a long time. In any case, as great as the sex was, and important the friendship and eventual relationship, I didn't trust that he wanted to stay. Something in his word or lack of word or demeanor or action had me convinced for a very long time that he had one foot out the door, looking for that special, better somebody.

Now, we think there may not be one. I'm not afraid that Boy will leave me. And suddenly my independence, which for a long time I put away or subdued to my desire for a boy I thought did not desire me back, in whatever strange, consuming way I wanted him, has been found. For quite a while I haven't been afraid of Boy leaving, but I haven't been my headstrong, stubborn, independent self, either. And now I am.

I want to be strong and self sufficient, self-interested, even selfish. And I want Boy to get out there and do that, too. And he is. I've settled down a little bit from the manic week where first we tried this out. Right now, I've no clue where Boy is, but I wish I were spending time with him. I am a little sad that when I made it home from my visit he was nowhere to be found, but I'm glad that I feel that way... I was afraid that my wayward eye meant some change in how I feel about him, but not so. At least, nothing sudden. It is the eventual end to my coming to trust that he loves me, and I love him, and even if we share our beds with others, even if we don't spend every waking moment, or even every weekend evening, together, that will still be there.

So now I find myself with a partner who I love, and a lover who is endless fun, and the possibility to go after what I want, and do no harm.

I suppose the biggest thing that's been knocking around in my brain is the difference between being sexually open and being actively polyamorous. Part of being fiercely independent is that I am, in a certain sense, anti-relationship. Why by the horrible life sucking drama when you can get the sex and companionship for free? That said, neither do I much like, in most situations, the prospect of playing or hooking up with someone who I have only just met and will likely not meet again.

No, for right now, I don't think I'm interested in polyamory. I've got a relationship, and this whole thing got started by my desire for a bit of extra freedom. Adding another relationship, with all that that word entails, cannot but mean another thing helping to curtail said freedom. A lover (or, as The Irishman would have it, a fuckbuddy. Or an, ahem, cock-on-call) will fit the bill just fine. A friend. With whom I have sex.

And it's nice as well that I've also got friends with whom Boy has sex.

(P.S. We'll be visiting Seattle soon. Any readers in that area with suggestions on what to do, where to go and where to eat, should totally chirp up. Portland area, too.)

4 Comments:

Blogger The Boy said...

*grin*
as always, there's not much to follow up on 'cause the good stuff's been said. Also, Boston sounds fun... Vampirella, as Switch has christened her, was fun, though a second encounter and a better nickname might be in order.

7:28 PM  
Blogger sara. said...

you crazy gradumacated kids.

where is home these days? are you still in the house, or have you relocated to somewhere together? also, what in the heck are you long-term-doing with your gradumacated selves? grad school? jobs? (feel free to drop a comment on my blog or facebook if you'd rather not say here.)

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Thinglet said...

I am so VERY much in favor of this once-a-day posting. I will be rooting for you to keep it up.

I got a "share our bed" offer from one half of a couple I know. Must talk to you about that.

Enjoy Seattle!

10:04 PM  
Anonymous SJ said...

Polyamory is a pretty broad canopy under which a lot of different styles of relating live, at least in my humble opinion. I think 'friends with bennies', and 'fuck-buddies' (or 'friends in bed', or 'cock on call', or what have you) are legitimate forms of relationships. They may not be what people tend to mean when the say 'relationship', but it's definitely an interaction between two or more people, even if it is brief, or not necessarily emotionally deep. I think there's more overlap between the poly and swinger communities than either tends to admit - and many more ethically non-monogamous people than would take the identities of either 'poly' or 'swinger', even if those identities were accurate.

That said, do what makes you happy, and call it whatever you like. Just be prepared to come to standard terms with everyone you need to negotiate with to make it all work out. :-)

5:31 PM  

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