Thursday, February 21, 2008

late-night ramblings (boy's)

A confession: 
Sometimes i want to be scary.  I've never been scary.  Well, maybe I have, once, but it ended badly. That was the harshly-lit hotel room and the crying and while it was ok afterwards, it wasn't good (see the archives for more information).
But I like tears. I like fear and pain and broken begging. I know that doing something to someone that they don't want done to them turns me on.  I know that that makes me, in the eyes of many and to some extent in my own conscience too, a bad person. But I know that it's true, and I know that, if there's any way to do it that's morally justifiable, it's in kink. I just haven't figured out quite how yet. Being scary is something that's not Good. It's socialized out of you at an early age. It implies not caring what you do to other people, being capable of doing damage and creating not only fear but suffering. It's threatening and terrifying and terrifically sexy and hugely, hugely problematic in the context of a relationship or intimate interaction. It's also about self-confidence, and self-presentation in a way that I'm almost completely unpracticed at. I suspect that if I'd figured out how to be scary, I'd have done much better in acting class. I don't think I can argue a logical connection, but I feel somehow that it's there. I've more or less made it a principle in my life to avoid interfering with the space of others' lives as much as possible, if that makes any sense. Keeping a low emotional footprint, to borrow a phrase from environmentalism. Being scary is the exact opposite of that. It's thrusting yourself into others' space and others' lives (or believably threatening to).
I had a strange moment, during a scene that Switch mentioned briefly an entry or two ago, that brought this to mind. I think I was hitting her thighs with an evilstick. That made her jump, which wasn't a good idea because the wood knob she was impaled on and the metal seat she was tied to were rigid and unforgiving. And so she started shaking her head and begging incoherently. I got hard, and then I stopped hitting her. I got hard because she wasn't enjoying it, and I stopped because she wasn't enjoying it. I got hard because I was hurting her, and I stopped because I was hurting her. I was getting off on something that was making her unhappy. That's not OK in the context of a relationship, or of normal interactions. That's beyond ethically complicated into wrong and bad. In real life. BDSM and the world of kink should, one imagines, be able to provide the setting to experiment with that, but I haven't been able to navigate well enough the intricacies of role and play, of scene-only dynamics and assumed roles and the dance between mindfulness and comfort and scariness and hurt.
It's a project.  But it's worth it, and I've got a partner.


Blogger Goose said...

This post really touched me. I'm not scary either, at least visually. I'm that person that makes everyone feel good and warm. My top vibe is usually maternal, yet silly, yet mean. But not MEAN.

I have the same desires you do. I'd like to take things further, and I just don't know how. For one thing, I wonder if my comfy maternal nature just won't let me go there, for another? I don't want to be on the receiving end of pay back for being that scary and mean. I HATE being reduced, crying, etc.

Questions here about your recent scene. Did she safeword? Yellow? Does she want to see where that goes? If she does then take it...two swats further than last time and see what the outcome is.

I wish you luck. I'm hesitant with head games and reticent towards making people feel bad (even if they want to feel "bad").

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Dov said...

The problem is the words "role play".
Ive been where you are in your thoughts that fuzzy gray line where you dont know where you are and where you should be.

The point where all those things built into you by mom dad and society, dont hit someone or hurt them and be nice and all that slams full tilt into the reality that this feels good and right.

That moment when you realize your dick is rock hard or cunt is sopping wet and the situation makes you think that you should be arrested if your partner friend lover whatever decides they dont like you after all.

That point where you know that the person you love or lust is terrified of you wishing they hadn't been born realizing your the entire world to them at that moment and if you decide they know they wont see the light of tomorrow.

The problem is being that thing the monster the unrestrained thing that can do those things, navigate the tricky shoals and in the end afterwards be loved for having been that evil fucked up serial killer/monster/rapist/torturer.

Yeah its not OK its ethically horrible, but its a road that can be traveled its a road that is all about finding out the grey lines and where you stand in them and be okay with that part of yourself that society and family have peer pressured you to deny and ignore.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Mischief said...

It's absolutely a fine line, and one I'm still sort of toeing myself and figuring out exactly where I stand. My particular turn-ons and scenes certainly differ from yours, but I have those moments where I really question where my mind is going. Finding the right level of disregard for someone's well-being while focusing on nothing but. Strange place to be.

What really makes it okay to me is that your partner would want you to do things that ze doesn't want to happen. A person may not want the action, but desire the situation which entails said action.

And my understanding is you have that.

Good luck exploring.

2:50 PM  
Blogger sara. said...

thank you for sharing this.

12:25 AM  
Blogger Switch said...

goose - she actually didn't safeword, but 'twas clear she wasn't enjoying herself. nor even enjoying not enjoying herself. but it turns out that's because she was afraid of hurting herself rather than because what i was doing was hurting too much (how's that for convoluted syntax?). We're going to try again with a more scalable sort of pain, and see if it's the action or the reaction that I enjoy, and if there's any way that Switch can get off on it too. 'cause that's what matters in the end.

1:18 PM  
Blogger JaneyRuth said...


In the real world, there's all these scary shadings, nuances, overtones and undercurrents.

Like getting hard as she chokes and gags...

And you wonder how you'd react if you weren't a decent person.

What was it Johnny Cash said? "I shot a man in Reno/Just to watch him die.."

1:46 AM  

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